The shit they don’t tell you… WTF happens when you get pregnant

Posted 2 December 2016 by

**Note this post was written on May 28, 2016. It is being published now that I am past the point of no return aka the third trimester…

Last night I took a pregnancy test. After the awkwardness of peeing in a cup, putting a stick in it and waiting only about 30 seconds instead of the 3 minutes they tell you it takes for that shit to bake…I found out I was pregnant. After the immediate shock, and not the oh fuck I am too young I can’t handle this shit shock,  but the I really thought it would be way harder for me to get pregnant at 38 years old shock…I told my husband and we basked in the joy of embarking on the next chapter of our lives.

Now a day after and having to keep this big secret about 5 more weeks I realize that there is a lot of shit that they don’t tell you when you get pregnant.

Like last night… I had a glass of sangria the same night I found out I was pregnant and yes I then began to retrace every meal I had had the last few weeks including the two fucking chai lattes that definitely had caffeine, but thank god no sushi because mercury would probably make my kid have gills. I realize today, the day after, I can’t freak out about this and now I just need to stay away from sushi, caffeine (including chocolate), nitrates, soft cheeses and running since I haven’t actually run in about 8 years so better not start now! But I am still wondering…how the fuck do Japanese women turn out just fine and with some of the smartest kids in the world?  So in turn, while you are ordering a brisket sandwich at the grocery store don’t start freaking out and googling, “Can pregnant women eat brisket/ is brisket toxic in the first trimester” and just realize it’s ok … don’t freak out because hell our parents smoked and drank and we all turned out fine…for the most part…

You actually will not know you are pregnant even if you ARE a few days late because you feel like you are getting your period…like every period symptom… from the cramps, to the headache to the checking your underwear in the bathroom because you SWEAR something is about to flow so you debate in your head whether you bother with a tampon yet or maybe just a liner because it’s gonna come any minute…until of course it doesn’t. No one tells you this…until I yet again trusted Google with my body and realized after a 2 minute search you may actually be pregnant, but feel like you are getting your period…who knew?! Not me, but apparently my husband did so chalk one up for the guy knowing more than the gal in this case…

Keeping this a secret for 5 more weeks completely sucks. The fact that the only people who know this news right now is you, your husband and your hair dresser because you decided to cancel your color last minute because Google told you to not get color in the first trimester also sucks… because you can’t tell your mom or your dad for fear something could go wrong…and you wonder will anyone suspect? Lucky for me I don’t usually drink alcohol and the sangria last night was a fluke as I definitely almost never drink wine…but sangria isn’t really wine because it has a shit ton of sugar and fruit…so it was definitely ok because of the fruit…but not eating sushi for 5 weeks MAY give it away to my nearest and dearest

When your 20 something co-workers begin to talk about freezing their eggs you may want to either punch them in the face or laugh at them or both. When I was 20 something we didn’t have that or maybe they did have that, but I never had more than like $5 in the bank at any one time and all I gave a shit about was work and occasionally going on a date… when the fuck did 20 something year olds start thinking about egg freezing…I NEVER thought about egg freezing until last year and then I realized I was too old for that shit anyway…so if it takes until I am 40 to get pregnant oh well…

You will have a killer sense of smell, but holy shit you may feel like you have severe memory loss. They say that you become forgetful or have brain fog once you give birth, but I think somehow my brain’s power is being eaten up by this small pea sized creature that is growing inside of me. I keep forget simple things, names I should remember, the fact my keys are in my back pocket, my phone…the dumbest shit I keep forgetting, but DAMN I can smell what my neighbor four blocks down is cooking and that stank ass perfume the employee at Macy’s wore yesterday…Thanks for my spidey sense. I just wish my brain still functioned…

With inventions like Kindara and Clue you can determine exactly when you conceived, but it’s actually a bit more complex. Apparently they count the day of your last period minus three months and then add seven days and THAT is when your due date is… um…seriously?  So what the fuck is the point of the three apps I installed on my phone to track ovulation, menstruation and probably could bake a cake if I asked it to?

So those are a few things they should tell you when you get pregnant…am curious for all you moms out there if I missed anything?

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  • Post Title: The shit they don’t tell you… WTF happens when you get pregnant
  • Date Posted: 2 December 2016
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  • Filed As: mom, pregnancy
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