WTF Biological clock

Posted 28 August 2013 by

Last year when I turned 35, a strange thing began to occur, I started noticing babies. And when I say noticing I mean began to smile uncontrollably every time I saw a cute round faced baby smile or coo and began to say things like, “That baby is the cutest thing ever.” In my head I would contemplate having a baby. It dawned on me that this must be that whole biological clock thing that sometimes happens to women when they hit a “certain” age.

The truth is I have always known I wanted children and I also knew I most likely wouldn’t have a child until I was at least 38 or 39 and that if I couldn’t have my own I would absolutely adopt. I came to this conclusion somehow when I was only 13. For most of of my life I thought I would definitely adopt before ever having my own child.  First, for some reason I always thought I would remain single (my first relationship was when I turned 31) and second I thought there were so many children in need that I would want to adopt, most likely in my early 40’s.

Then I met someone amazing and we started talking about the future . He is a few years younger than I am and I realized what if I was getting too old to have a child of my own. Well lucky for us ladies in our mid to late thirties you can take a blood test to determine how fertile you still are. Yup that’s right, a simple blood test can let you know if hormonally you are headed to early menopause or you can pop out a kid later in life. I know this because I askled my OBGYN during a routine exam about having children later in life.  She informed me that one option was to freeze my eggs.  I was a little blown away by this as a real possibility. Now granted, I have heard that you could do this, but I also didn’t actually really think I would ever be told that I COULD or SHOULD consider doing so! I felt this wasn’t my best option right now especially due to the insane expense of it (which frankly would be the cost of such things as a down payment on a home, a half a year’s salary and of course an adoption fee). The next option she told me about was a simple blood test that can determine your hormone levels. Now there is obviously NO guarantee where this test will determine IF you will get pregnant or not as there are a LOT of factors in becoming pregnant, but it would at least determine where I am in the egg producing period of my life. So without hesitation and even though I am not a fan of needles, I went for this option.

I never really thought I would be someone who would be testing how fertile I was. If someone had told me this five years ago, I would have laughed at them and said something about if it’s meant to be it will be.  Now just having turned 36 and creeping into my late 30’s I was lured into finding out the state of my egg production.  The test is easy, they draw some blood and in a week my OBGYN would call me with the results.

Now maybe it was because I was mere days away from turning the big 36 or maybe it was because I was totally hormonal and PMSing, but the thought that this test may tell me I better start thinking about diapers and cribs sooner than later put me into a bit of a tail spin. Now people that know me know I am typically a rational, logical person, not that I am unemotional, but I definitely wouldn’t consider myself someone who cries a lot and tend to be much less emotional than the majority of women I know. That all said, the thought of not being able to have a kid made me a blathering idiot for almost a week.  I would see a baby and tear up, I would think about not being able to see my child open a present during a birthday and sob uncontrollably. It dawned on me that I actually wanted to have a baby and that I may not be able to kind of really sucked.

Interestingly enough my girlfriends and I have been discussing having children and not having children quite a bit lately. A good friend of mine who recently got married is adamant and always has been that she doesn’t want children, another good friend was very much undecided and then there was me who always knew I wanted a child, but not necessarily my own.  We are all about the same age, me being the youngest of them by a number of months and we all have differing opinions on the subject.  What we do know is we all are now surrounded by friends who are pro-creating left and right and we are amongst the last remaining who have not yet had children. We also have each experienced the phenomenon of friends and acquaintances asking each of us the question, “So have you thought about having children? When are you going to?” The number of times I have been asked this has been staggering as of late. Now my friend who just got married has been asked about 4x as much as I have, which I can sort of understand. Though I do think it is pre-mature  to ask and a bit out of line to ask especially when she has only been married a few months now. However, I am not married and yet people are asking… a lot. To me this begs the question (besides why is it any of your business), should I be by now?

Now asking this question is two fold. First, should I be by now is a question I ask related to getting older. Will it be more challenging physically, trying to get pregnant and giving birth, but also how will it be to have a small child in my forties, and have a child turning 18 when I am almost 60? Then the second part of should I be by now is WHY is there this stigma that I should be having kids right this second or even worse why haven’t I had them yet?  In other words, what the hell am I waiting for?

The truth is women are waiting to have kids. We aren’t getting married at 20 and putting our lives on hold for someone else. We are living the lives how we want and if we choose to get married at all, we are waiting until we have established careers, gone on adventures, traveling the world and doing a lot more living and experiencing much more than in the past. So yes I want to have a child, maybe even two if time and the universe permits, but I always had other things I preferred to do and at the time kids were certainly NOT a priority. I just wish other women would give us women a break who are choosing not have children or are choosing to wait, and stop asking me when am I going to have a kid… because frankly I am still trying to figure it out for myself right now.

Today my OBGYN called me with my test results… and looks like I still have a good couple of years before having to think about any of this… so for now I will enjoy having turned 36, and enjoy the time with my guy, my friends and my family… and yes I will continue to wonder what life will be like some day when I have a kid of my own … or of course if I adopt…

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